Eyeball (elementeyeball) wrote,

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RIP Moonbow Deptember 2000- Oct 2, 2011.

It's raining a lot and there aren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel. Eye lost Moonbow last night, sometime when eye was studying.

Eye remember getting her for Christmas from John. She was the best present ever! Eye used to stay home from raves to be with her. She followed me around and was SO attached to me. When mom came over to give her shots, she said Moonbow was like me.

When eye lived in Chandler and was tweeking, one night eye was going to slit my wrist, she laid on it all night. When eye was going to cut myself, she'd push into the bathroom and cry at me. She could open handles to doors. Eye used to leave her for John & Jesse to take care of while eye was on my tweek escapades. Eye always have felt terrible about that.

Eye got her a companion when eye lived at mom's. Moonbow would open the door for both of them (they were supposed to be confined to the bedroom) so mom had to get a regular doorknob! She got a little heavier from inactivity, but that didn't last long.

She went with me to the apartment in Phoenix, had to deal with a couple of roommate's cats, and my own - Eyeball. She went to the house in Phoenix, met Russell's Christmas cat present Amelia, was there through the loss of Eyeball, there for the coming and going of many kittens, waited for me at my mom's while eye was in prison, then back to the house in Phoenix with its comings and goings of people and pets. Then off to Vegas with me, Amelia, Kahlua, and James. She put up with the new kitten Melange, saw Amelia go back to Russell's, saw Melange leave to a new home, temporarily saw Mel's new kittens when her owner abandoned her.

As she aged, her digestive system got sensitive to dairy. This year, eye've watched her health decline & get a bit better, over & over. Over a year she had 2 seizures, many impacted poos, periods she would hide & stick to herself, sometimes not care for herself, get more&more finicky over the litterbox (to the point she'd pretty much only use it right when it was scrubbed out with soap with brand new litter), be hungry as hell all of the time, she'd misjudge distance when jumping on the kitchen chairs & would slip down, ways she eventually started to act made me suspect arthritis. In the last month, she had one of the worst bouts of constipation that eye treated, a sprained paw, got so thin eye could see her hip bones (though the "thinner& thinner" may have been actually the last 6-8 weeks. Eye started feeding her extra meat and wet food), her last few days - broken teeth, sneezing fits, and a mouth/tooth abscess. Eye suspected mouth problems with possible diabetes or hyperthyroidism. TODAY eye was going to vet-shop.

Yesterday, eye was studying. Eye went in the kitchen & saw some blood on the floor. James & eye went to the bedroom and checked Moonbow. The culprit? Her anus. What may have been or not, the result of a bloody stool. Horrible worry. I laid her on the bed & she purred. Eye held her paw & petted her. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing well & she could "go" if she needed to. Eye went back to studying. Checked on her a few hours later. Her back legs were hanging off the bed in what seemed such an uncomfortable manner. Went to move her - she was hard! Eye told James. Eye broke down. And behind her body - two bloody little pieces of stool. He told me to leave the room so he could take care of it. Eye had him cut off some fur from her tail, too. She's wrapped up in the freezer til we can get her body buried or hopefully cremated, but eye want the ashes & a pet cemetary - both of which eye don't think are options here.

Eye couldn't concentrate on studying anymore last night. Am certain eye failed the test. Eye blame myself for so many things and want to redo them, in regards to her. Not sure how eye'd have afforded a vet. And a question - if eye had - would the broken infected teeth killed her anyway before eye could get her another vet appointment? Eye don't know what exactly made her die... Could have been so many things. Eye am broken and don't know how to handle this. Eye cried in the bathroom over pictures of her for half an hour today. Eye'm supposed to be in another class now. Eye absolutely CANNOT fail any classes this semester, have to pass with at least C's or eye'm kicked out of UNLV for a year. Eye always wanted to die on the same day as she did, but after her so that she wouldn't be without her mommy. But it doesn't look like that's the way it's happening. (So any FUCKHEADS who feel the need to also "tattle to my mommy" over some suicide shit, don't fucking bother because that's not what the hell eye mean.

Eye'm so lost without her & am going to make another post about all the good stuff about her that eye miss, but that's for another day. Unfortunately, eye have a responsibility called school and a class that eye'm currently not attending, so eye have to rectify that situation and GO. But eye really do kind of hate that eye have ANY obligations right now. Eye don't want to "suck it up." Eye don't want to "function." Eye want to fall into the pieces my emotions are and be the nothing that eye am without her.
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