Eyeball (elementeyeball) wrote,

I Want Too... Too Much

In total hate... the same pointless fucking argument today. repeatedly. And in the end, nothing changes, and everyone is pissed. I used to NOT be manipulative. I used to be more... self-sufficient. And in this previous life, I would have broken up. Or maybe, in this other life, the three arguments we get in wouldn't exist, because the problems wouldn't have been created in the first place.

Jakob is supposed to move up here, sooner than I expected. Oh fuck, please don't let either of us be a fucking negative influence... This could be what solves everything, or what REALLY fucking tears everything apart. I'm nervous, either way.

I'm waiting for class to start. I want to run home because
I'm kind of scared to go to class... lots of stares on the bus today - do I fucking smell or something
-and this class is one I'm retaking.
I'm scared to wait out in the goddamnedfuckingcold for hours for the bus after 10pm. and scared to see
- what may have NOT happened at home today, after I left.

My school owes me $454. I want them to give it to me in a check, I don't want it to be put in my aunt's account. MINE to fucking control. I don't want to beg money off James. I don't want to ask for my money from my aunt - we just went shopping, though I'm already running out of groceries... I want cloves. And dxm. Which I probably won't get.

I hope it's spent SORT OF wisely.

I miss Melange. Very much.

My aunt convinced my landlord to fix our little mini-window in our door, and then he came over yesterday, and James talked him OUT of it. I guess he didn't remember? But we had company about to arrive anyway, and definitely didn't want the company to cross paths with him.

Guess I'm off to class. I hope I get home soon. Or maybe I don't. His phone is off, so it can't be predicted. And unfortunately, it's like I've developed this SUPERANXIETY (like many people I know) where I don't want to be in situations I can't control... and I don't want to be around people I don't know, and I don't want to be away from home too long...

One (is the loneliest number) has been a repeated theme in my dreams, lately.
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