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|Sunday, November 3rd, 2013|
|Fuck These People
Looking through old livejournal, others and mine. Remembering things, finding things out, other views, missing things.
So much has changed, and all that hasn't.
Shit was so simple back then - but it wasn't. Never allowed such things. But simple in that what was to come was more apparent. Not living on fucking eggshells. It wasn't directly caused by me this time, this is so frustrating. Day to fucking day to fucking day living. Can't pay bills. Income reliant upon others, and they suck so bad..........
Dot dot dotty dot dot.
My back hurts, eyes feel funky, stupidest sleep schedule ever, and still fucking.sitting.here.
So hard to figure out what to prioritize.
Russell is dead. It's fucked up. He and eye and Moonbow were to die on the same day, that obviously didn't happen. Still here, and the real funny thing is - if eye were to NOT - it would have nothing at all to do with the fact they're gone.
Ugh, drawers to pick, useless people to email, etc ad nauseum. Current Mood: cynical
|Monday, October 3rd, 2011|
|RIP Moonbow Deptember 2000- Oct 2, 2011.
It's raining a lot and there aren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel. Eye lost Moonbow last night, sometime when eye was studying.
Eye remember getting her for Christmas from John. She was the best present ever! Eye used to stay home from raves to be with her. She followed me around and was SO attached to me. When mom came over to give her shots, she said Moonbow was like me.
When eye lived in Chandler and was tweeking, one night eye was going to slit my wrist, she laid on it all night. When eye was going to cut myself, she'd push into the bathroom and cry at me. She could open handles to doors. Eye used to leave her for John & Jesse to take care of while eye was on my tweek escapades. Eye always have felt terrible about that.
Eye got her a companion when eye lived at mom's. Moonbow would open the door for both of them (they were supposed to be confined to the bedroom) so mom had to get a regular doorknob! She got a little heavier from inactivity, but that didn't last long.
She went with me to the apartment in Phoenix, had to deal with a couple of roommate's cats, and my own - Eyeball. She went to the house in Phoenix, met Russell's Christmas cat present Amelia, was there through the loss of Eyeball, there for the coming and going of many kittens, waited for me at my mom's while eye was in prison, then back to the house in Phoenix with its comings and goings of people and pets. Then off to Vegas with me, Amelia, Kahlua, and James. She put up with the new kitten Melange, saw Amelia go back to Russell's, saw Melange leave to a new home, temporarily saw Mel's new kittens when her owner abandoned her.
As she aged, her digestive system got sensitive to dairy. This year, eye've watched her health decline & get a bit better, over & over. Over a year she had 2 seizures, many impacted poos, periods she would hide & stick to herself, sometimes not care for herself, get more&more finicky over the litterbox (to the point she'd pretty much only use it right when it was scrubbed out with soap with brand new litter), be hungry as hell all of the time, she'd misjudge distance when jumping on the kitchen chairs & would slip down, ways she eventually started to act made me suspect arthritis. In the last month, she had one of the worst bouts of constipation that eye treated, a sprained paw, got so thin eye could see her hip bones (though the "thinner& thinner" may have been actually the last 6-8 weeks. Eye started feeding her extra meat and wet food), her last few days - broken teeth, sneezing fits, and a mouth/tooth abscess. Eye suspected mouth problems with possible diabetes or hyperthyroidism. TODAY eye was going to vet-shop.
Yesterday, eye was studying. Eye went in the kitchen & saw some blood on the floor. James & eye went to the bedroom and checked Moonbow. The culprit? Her anus. What may have been or not, the result of a bloody stool. Horrible worry. I laid her on the bed & she purred. Eye held her paw & petted her. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing well & she could "go" if she needed to. Eye went back to studying. Checked on her a few hours later. Her back legs were hanging off the bed in what seemed such an uncomfortable manner. Went to move her - she was hard! Eye told James. Eye broke down. And behind her body - two bloody little pieces of stool. He told me to leave the room so he could take care of it. Eye had him cut off some fur from her tail, too. She's wrapped up in the freezer til we can get her body buried or hopefully cremated, but eye want the ashes & a pet cemetary - both of which eye don't think are options here.
Eye couldn't concentrate on studying anymore last night. Am certain eye failed the test. Eye blame myself for so many things and want to redo them, in regards to her. Not sure how eye'd have afforded a vet. And a question - if eye had - would the broken infected teeth killed her anyway before eye could get her another vet appointment? Eye don't know what exactly made her die... Could have been so many things. Eye am broken and don't know how to handle this. Eye cried in the bathroom over pictures of her for half an hour today. Eye'm supposed to be in another class now. Eye absolutely CANNOT fail any classes this semester, have to pass with at least C's or eye'm kicked out of UNLV for a year. Eye always wanted to die on the same day as she did, but after her so that she wouldn't be without her mommy. But it doesn't look like that's the way it's happening. (So any FUCKHEADS
who feel the need to also
"tattle to my mommy" over some suicide shit, don't fucking bother because that's not what the hell eye mean.
Eye'm so lost without her & am going to make another post about all the good stuff about her that eye miss, but that's for another day. Unfortunately, eye have a responsibility called school and a class that eye'm currently not attending, so eye have to rectify that situation and GO. But eye really do kind of hate that eye have ANY obligations right now. Eye don't want to "suck it up." Eye don't want to "function." Eye want to fall into the pieces my emotions are and be the nothing that eye am without her. Current Mood: crushed
|Sunday, February 20th, 2011|
Eye thought the computer lab was open until 5 on weekends, now eye may miss a test because of this! Eye certainly hope that by doing the test tomorrow, eye will still be able to have it count toward m'eye grade. Eye also have an analysis due tomorrow, and eye planned on going job hunting tomorrow. Oh - how to do it all? Current Mood: aggravated
|Monday, February 14th, 2011|
Am succeding in school - just got an A on another test. Oh, how eye prefer online school to having to show up at a specific time!
|Friday, February 11th, 2011|
|Lock the Taskbar
Twenty minutes to play before eye leave for the bus.
Eye got a grant to go to school. Already missed three assignments, one of which eye've now turned in. Got an A on it, which will mean a B because it was late. This will be fixed over teh course of teh semester. Eye'm determined to get As. Also did a writing assignment that later eye regretted, and knew how to improve. Eye need t o make sure to make two versions of any writing assigment that eye do. Maybe they have that student-assisted paper program here where they go through and edit/suggest what you have done wrong and fix it.
Eye've been out of money a week, and today got m'eye tax refund. However, there's no reason to be excited about it because the backdoor neighbor, who lived there a month and is now leaving, stuck us with a $144 electric bill, which with us is usually $40-90. He must have run the heater constantly, and James is furious. It's just depressing to me, and eye wonder if eye'm going to make rent next month because of it. Actually, it would, because eye'd be otherwise wasting money. It's always flying away somehow.
We've been having Mormon, or if you prefer, moron visitors lately. Eye've been humoring them, and questioning them, but now they want to baptize me March 5th. Eye got a job place referral from them, and am looking to tr'eye to get food from them, then somehow, someway - cut them off. Eye've become way too docile in some ways, blame the black tar baby if you will.
Having money, being on medication (when eye remember to take it) James and eye get along very well. It's a nice change from the daily arguments and struggle and games to get what eye needed every day, much of last year. Eye'm going to get all caught up on school over the weekend, then eye'm going back on the job hunt next week. Because eye have more than 20 thousand out in student loans, this school doesn't want to loan me money. Eye'll have to do an appeal, which will take time, befor eye wcan even turn in the appeal, they have to analyze m'eye past student records, which will take about six weeks from when eye turned it in last week.
M'eye sister is in town for her birthday this weekend. She looks fabulous and eye can't say eye'm not jealous.
Hoping for the best, but not expecting the worst, except earlier today before eye heard from m'eye aunt that m'eye tax return was here. Eye got scared it was being audited. Current Mood: okay
|Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010|
As most of m'eye internet places are also followed by the family, eye have few places of refuge. Not even sure this is safe. Pretty much same ol same ol except
May-June worked at NutriKare, doing customer service, exec assistant, and shipping, til it was shut down bc the owner was using customer credit cards, they oew me 2.5 weeks of pay, still.
Jul'eye - the family got concerned eye'd cut m'eyeself a few months prior. Thought eye'd be locked up. In therapy instead, eventually diagnosed bipolar at the state mental service place, am on Abilify and Traodone as of September.
Aug-Sep, political canvassing for Working America. Let go for not meeting quota for a weel. James also left around m'eye birthday, the old coworkers weren't at karaoke that nigt, wasted a trip down there, neighbors hung out with me. Didn't eat for a week, lost some weight.
Oct-now, started another canvassing job for the Democratic Party of NV, six days of 6.5 hour shifts, they changed pay policy while eye was there, so paid weekly. The last four days were brutal 10 hour shifts of walking. Job ended after elections. Need the last two jobs to fill out info about what they paid me in order to get food stamps. Doing a research study Sk'eyeDay (fr'eyeDay) for $60.
That's what's up. Current Mood: happy
|Monday, July 19th, 2010|
|If A Law Is Deemed Immoral By You, You Must Disobey
Jack Kevorkian is my new favorite person.
Eye got a job. There was a Craigslist ad on a Saturday, eye called and talked with him, showed up Monday, and started working. Then one payday Friday, they said there was a problem with the account and that our paychecks would be ready Tuesday at the latest. Lots of people took off. On Monday was told the merchant account was frozen due to too many chargebacks and cancellations. Tuesday was told we were being shut down for a while. Was informed that it had to do with someone stealing customer creit card info. A couple of customers had mentioned this, but eye didn't think it had to do with us. Was told to call and check on pay status.Eye called all week. On Saturday, was told pay would be ready Tuesday. Came in Tuesday, they said we'd reopen the following week, and come in for cash pay the next day. Went to a bar with James. Wednesday, camped out all day in front of the business with other employees. No one showed up. Checked the following day a couple of times, nothing. Tried to do plasma, was permanetely deferred because of a policy change, on the first visit eye admitted to smoking pot in high school - now they accept no one with any admitted drug history. Checked back at work the next day, they'd moved their stuff out. The managers never answered their phones. Went to the labor board the next week, didn't have a piece of info they wanted, which eye still haven't sent to them. Wanted to go to the media to ruin any future the managers had in business, but now it's been a month.
Need work. Goodness, me. Told my dad eye already had work, because eye seriously thought eye was about to get a job... and now it still hasn't happened.
In the beginning of June, due to admitting that eye'd cut myself in April to my aunt in June, she talked with my dad, they gave me a month to "straighten everything out." They were threatening inpatient treatment. My dad came and took me to two evaluations. Admitted what eye could, which was most things. Both places suspect eye have a couple of mental disorders, wanted me to go and get diagnosed with a psychiatrist. And now, eye have a weekly appointment with a therapist. My dad found a free place that does diagnosing, will go in the next day or two before my appointment on Tuesday. My aunt will take me.
|Monday, May 31st, 2010|
|It's Hot&It's Cold
But eye think nothing of it - it's going to be in the 100s here soon, and am in Jakob's room - that doesn't even have a fan. The living room has the SuperCold air in it.
James at his mom's - til he feels it's "ok enough" to come home. Eye had said NOTHING that would make it seem that it wasn't. So at first, eye was QUITE upset that he wanted to stay down there longer. Then decided, long as he pays his rent - he can stay down there as long as he wants. Eye don't care. But when eye later spoke to him, and he wasn't all fucked up on Soma or what not - found out the reason he ACTUALLY was staying down there had NOTHING to do with me. He's waiting on his birth certificate so that he can get his Nevada ID... which is stupid - he should have just gotten a replacement AZ ID. Lots cheaper and easier - but whatever.
However, however - it seems to me - Jakob and eye living together, just us, alone - is NOT really a good thing. So it's good James is coming here soon, armed with a fucking attitude. That way - no more excuses - right before the timing comes that Excuses trump all. Current Mood: bored
|Sunday, April 18th, 2010|
|Monday, April 12th, 2010|
|(all that you let me be)/you say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it
just got my measly forty one dollar check and am on an epic quest of going cross-valley for it, job inquiry, cashing, home- owe half to james. The positive of jake living there is he gets the brunt of nit picking and scolding. once james told me i'm wanting to be this&that (specifics omitted) but i'm not, i'm just a girl. That was so offensive to me. I rail against being ordinary, which has been positive and negative, though many would see most of the "things" negative. Eye'd die to have a story. But at least i have complication. Simplicity is boring. And contradicts my self-image to which i cling.
|Tuesday, April 6th, 2010|
this job is so not working out. Eye've been sent home twice after the first hour for not completing enough surveys. eye haven't been able to reach anyone! The last time, saturday, eye tried to protest as directed by my trainer. the guy didn't care. It's stupid- it's not like they need more available seats when they don't over book shifts. It's not like it means the person is messing around- my area supervisor didn't believe at first that i'd called all the numbers on two lists when they came around for the first one. Funny jakob story- this morning james woke to him untaping the box (to get at it to use by hiding out in the room all day with it) for sending the computer to the manufacturer before the warranty date. His reaction- asking james if he'd sent it in already. HOPEFULLY tomorrow's job interview goes well, is a job i can do considering school hours, and isn't commission only. There are far too many jobs here that hire people as private contracters to get away with not paying people for their time. Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, March 30th, 2010|
|my eye should be closed right now
I have "cell phone hand" from scrolling and typing online. Also developing a headache. Eye was able to sleep fourteen to sixteen hours last night, then missed my "window of sleep" so have spent time on the internet in this bed, after finally quitting watching movies. SO obviously didn't schedule a shift today. Eye need to after my interview tomorrow- must think of "the future" of maintaining myself. Hopefully this week proves fruitful. After today and tomorrow eye'll have food stamps again. March 30- taken care of- but not the day after. here's to hoping my aunt will allow me to have $100 or so- not that that flies me til pay day, but maybe things will be different by then, anyhow. Timing of events makes this week not what i'd planned, but maybe the weekend, or the one after, as it seems i'll be forced to then, anyway.
|Monday, March 29th, 2010|
|Sunday, March 28th, 2010|
|Awesome Possum Blossom
As my phone is pretty basic (not a camera phone, and AIM is just forwarded to me or from me through text messaging- and if mine's not a response have to hope the person's online) i can't sign onto most sites. Found way around it on live journal: responses to an entry actually SHOW the boxes for user name and password. OH happy eye! Maybe i can find a "way around" to log onto the many other sites i haven't been able to. If only everything in life had a secret portal where it all worked out without too much hassle... Eye'd be erased of that feeling of doom eye'm cursed to encounter much too often. Current Mood: tired
|Saturday, March 27th, 2010|
|that story that ease my they hide it up the sleeves my they hide it they're never gonna find it
I made the mistake of thinking spring break was occuring each week of the two weeks preceding the actual event. Eye've found a job that has afternoon to evening shifts, so looks like it's something i can only do on weekends, and during ACTUAL break next week? Regardless- eye'm looking for a job that has a schedule of hours that occur before school. Since the job eye already have allows everyone to call and pick a shift on the days they want to work- there won't be any problems with missing work. SO- whenever i lose the day job from being late too many times, there's a job to fall back on, one eye'm unlikely to lose. Jakob managed to lose his telemarketing job, due to leaving two hours early on his second day because he was too stressed out from it or some shit. But if he passes a background check at CVS he'll have another job Current Mood: okay
|Sunday, February 28th, 2010|
|The Man With The Golden Gun Thinks He Knows So Much
FUCK! I just went Up from the end of the post and GUESS WHAT! The whole post erased. Fabulous.
I was pleased today that
!the sk'eye's eye watered
!I discovered Photobucket restored my account from a lengthy period of inactivity, not signing in.... so nothing was lost
!though James did not get his check, his mom sent him money, which means I'm paid back for rent, which means... um "Peace of Mind" ... to use one of James' own phrases against hin
!Eye've won many times at Mahjongg. A few days ago, eye stumbled upon a free version online. So instead of using the computer to apply for all those job leads/check email/do schoolwork/check myspace, facebook, livejournal/use AIM, eye instead stay up until I physically cannot stand to do so, all the while holding my bladder until it feels almost ready to burst.
A while back, eye decided our house has an ocean. Eye went fishing and found a Tiger Shark, a Great White Shark, and an unidentified shark (my cats.) After that, it was decided that WE were also a part of that ocean, and when it's the ocean in our home, I go around moving my lips like a fish and I suck on random eyetems. James is an electric eel. Eye decided eye'm a catfish. I watched a show on sharks and finally figured out Kahlua: she is a Ray Shark - blends into what she lays on, likes to be in dirt, has a whip tail. I made Jakob decide what he was after he moved in here. He says he's a dolphin. When Andrea visited, she said she's a mermaid. Eye'd be a Koi and/or Pirhana, but those are in fresh water, in different parts of the world.. like a Japanese pond, and the Amazon river.
I've been getting lazier and lazier with school these past weeks, now rarely attending. It's awful, stupid, and it's fucking me over. I REALLY wanted and needed As this semester. I know some of those days I couldn't have gone, but so many I could... It's changing now, especially as midterms and Spring Break approach.
Back to Mahjongg. Current Mood: crazy
|Thursday, February 11th, 2010|
|The Great Sleep
I have to stay up until like, 4pm tomorrow afternnoon! James is going to Phoenix and taking the computer with him. He talks about needing to get away, but just as much - I need him to go away for a while. One thing that sucks, this time it doesn't equate to alone time, because Jakob now lives here.
James is taking the computer with him, since he's afraid Jakob will pawn it off while he's gone, and he wanted me to keep the computer with me at night and while I'm at school. I guess it's good, not having the responsibility of being a computer guard. However, Jakob and James hog the computer so much, I hardly use it anymore, so I no longer care all that much. Current Mood: annoyed
|Saturday, February 6th, 2010|
|Love Will Keep Us Together
Our relationship may end, because normal me can't stand being in relationships very long - as they make me feel trapped. He said that's fine, we can just be friends and roommates, as there's an extra room, anyhow. So we'll see. He was supposed to leave to his mother's this weekend to get away from us, and to help his agoraphobic mom to her doctor's appointments. She scheduled her appointments for the 17th and 19th. I had different plans for this weekend.
|Tuesday, January 26th, 2010|
|Accidental Text Discovery
"Predictive text" on cell phones at times will come up with its own words. I now have a new name for James, for when he's being a delusional overgrown toddler because of his medication (he finally got his methadone pills yesterday, this is added to Xanax, and as he adjusts to either Xanax or the Xanax/methadone mix, it's a fucking nightmare for me for days.)... LAMES
. Because he acts, and having to deal with him.. fucking lame.
Last night when I passed him on the street on the way to school, on his way back from his appointment and the pharmacy - he seemed angry. I thought it was at Jakob, for what Jakob is, and isn't doing. I was a bit afraid to go home, but thought it would be good to finally have the discussion about him paying rent, about what is he going to do about his drug use... (As an hour before that, I called James to see where he was with the bus pass.)
But, I came home - turns out, James was just really fucked up
. After getting home, he didn't make a lot of sense. He, in his boxers, asked if we had to go somewhere. I said no, it's almost midnight. He took the cat hair off his shirt, put on his leather jacket, tried to attach his keys to his boxers, and opened the door, as if answering it, asking the person why they didn't have their pants (no one was there.) He went outside for a walk, I guess. I hoped that he'd be arrested for public intoxication. Sadly, he returned in half an hour. (I'm considering, next time he sets himself up like that, to call the cops anonymously about someone being way fucked up in public... as much as I don't agree with being a snitch of any kind, I think it's the most appropriate consequence, one he strangely hasn't encountered.) He unplugged the TV while I was watching something and when I asked why, he said he was just trying to plug in the stereo. I asked why, I could hear the TV just fine without it being in stereo. So he said he was trying to turn OFF the stereo so he could sleep... Which is funny because I was the one turning off the light, he kept turning it back on. I was quietly watching TrueBlood, he kept talking to me, asking shit that didn't make sense - questions that were a mix of something from the show and something he was having hallucinations about. He offered a rolling paper to someone who wasn't really there. He talked to me, talked to imaginary people, kept asking me senseless shit, being a pain in the ass. I tried to just be quiet and turn off the light, hoping it would inspire him to sleep. It didn't. He ate all of Jakob's food, and when Jakob came out to eat, he was upset. Lames gathered art materials from the back bedroom. I hoped this meant that when I went to sleep, for once in his messed up state, he wouldn't be constantly in and out of there, turning on the light when I'm trying to sleep. Before going to bed, tired of dealing with him not making sense, losing things, dropping things, running into shit... I asked if he needed anything else. He went back there and got MORE shit. I tried to go to sleep. I got woken up and hour later, him quoting something from something he was watching, and he gave me Reese's Pieces from Palm Market. I said, "OK, goodnight." Then, for the next five or six hours, every half hour to hour, sometimes more frequently, he'd go into the room, turn on the light, say he was looking for this, asking if I was home, asking if I was in there, asking if I was in the bathroom, asking if Jakob was home, asking who's coming over, asking if we needed to go somewhere. So on and so forth, really fucking annoying. He'd do the same thing to Jakob. At some point, I said, "We're all here, no one's going anywhere, I'm trying to sleep, leave me alone." He said, "Oh sorry, it's just I'm so anxious, with all these people coming in and out all the time, it takes a while after they're all gone before I can relax. I'm just so anxious." No, buddy, you're just so fucked up and hallucinating. No one comes and goes from our house! But, when he's like that, you can't tell him he's fucked up, hallucinating, delusional. He'll fight and fight over it, so adamant that he's NOT LOADED and that something else is what's REALLY going on, and this something else tends to be based in something he's hallucinating about, like this morning with "all these people coming and going." I finally got to sleep around 10am, when he'd woken Jakob for good I think, and then he finally passed out.
He's still in the living room, kneeling on the ground, slumped over the couch. I get so fucking sick of taking care of an overgrown toddler. I found a broken lamp this afternoon, as well. Yeah, I've done weird shit from pill mixes but that's a mix to try to make me sleep when I haven't slept in a couple of days, on very rare occasions. But James does this about an average of 6 days every month
|Thursday, January 21st, 2010|
|Then You Have to Worry About All Sort of Other Shite
And it's so easy to pretend and play into the drama of One Big Problem instead of many others, of various sizes. And when he thinks this is THE PROBLEM, what happens when it's discovered, it's so sosososo SO much more than that?
This is amusing. Very amusing. http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/m4w/1559478951.html
I'm so tired. But have to stay awake 10 more hours. Sleeping pills and Xanax. And hope it keeps me asleep until Saturday. I wish I knew what time my aunt was coming over. But I don't. Guess I'll miss a class tomorrow but it's better than... well, depending on other people. And trying to squeeze something dry... when it already is.
|Monday, January 18th, 2010|
|Thursday, January 14th, 2010|
|Textbooks Are Like Heroin
Saw my aunt today, asked for money, wasn't a problem like I'd imagined it would be. I said some was for me, some for James to get his contacts. And no questions, no issues. Sometimes I imagine disaster in my future, and it's actually pretty anticlimactic.
I like my teacher for Sociology. Last night, one of the first thing he mentioned was about textbooks.
"Textbooks are ok, but they're like heroin. You get hooked and then you can't live without it."
"Textbooks are like fast food. They'll fill you up, but you don't get much nutrition out of it." And so on. We only have two tests, which will determine our grade - two essays. Well, eye like writing, and eye'm good at tests. Not so good with homework. SO this should work out fine.
For Criminal Justice, we have an online portion of the class. Two days ago, we were shown how to sign up. And today, the fucking website isn't even there anymore. It moved, and getting into the part I needed was a nightmare. I couldn't find it through the website. I did a Bing search, and that's how I finally found where I needed to go.
My aunt seems to think eye'm doing much better since our last time together. She says I smile and talk more, and carry myself better. That's good, it's always great to appear well in the eyes of the family.
|Wednesday, January 13th, 2010|
get my $454 sent to me as a check... like the world is conspiring against me to keep me from having any money, though it's mine. I'm seeing my aunt tomorrow... I'm going to try to "grow some (space) balls" and ask for some, and try not to be talked out of it. It's hard to explain what it's like being in a family that's controlling.. to anyone who doesn't come from the same type of situation. But at least I'm not as "bad in with" my family as Jakob... as they know his story and he's been basically disowned - kicked out a long time ago & taken out of the family will. They were going to make him go to therapy, as my family is going to do with me, although I don't think they would actually physically take him to a drug rehab, and my family would, if I were on drugs. it's crap. I'm at school WAY too early for class because I was trying to get some shit straight with the cashier's office, but I've done it too late, too late. It's already set. So here's to me trying to get some shit done tomorrow, whether by excuse or just being (sort of) direct. Being sort of direct can be amusing, as when he visited, I told my dad I think I should be able to do drugs every once in a while, and I don't see anything wrong with it.. He saw that as a problem in itself. Ah, fucking family. 1h30m til class, many more hours til I get home, and I'm about to make a request that's going to piss someone off.
|Tuesday, January 12th, 2010|
So odd to be... fragile, and afraid, and empty. I used to be none of these things, but nervous, and irritated, and energetic... and maybe spread thin, and a "dilletante" - but not empty. Merely using the energy of youth to pack fuckingeverythingintoeveryday. And now, energy, yeah right?!starting and then stopping
taking off and landing
the emptiest of feelings
clinging onto bottles
when it comes it's so-so
let down & hanging around
cushed like a bug in the ground_(Radiohead)
He says he doesn't want to feel like he's my dad or something.... if you don't want to feel like you're my parent, then stop fucking lecturing me like one
|I Want Too... Too Much
In total hate... the same pointless fucking argument today. repeatedly. And in the end, nothing changes, and everyone is pissed. I used to NOT be manipulative. I used to be more... self-sufficient. And in this previous life, I would have broken up. Or maybe, in this other life, the three arguments we get in wouldn't exist, because the problems wouldn't have been created in the first place.
Jakob is supposed to move up here, sooner than I expected. Oh fuck, please don't let either of us be a fucking negative influence... This could be what solves everything, or what REALLY fucking tears everything apart. I'm nervous, either way.
I'm waiting for class to start. I want to run home because
I'm kind of scared to go to class... lots of stares on the bus today - do I fucking smell or something
-and this class is one I'm retaking.
I'm scared to wait out in the goddamnedfuckingcold for hours for the bus after 10pm. and scared to see
- what may have NOT happened at home today, after I left.
My school owes me $454. I want them to give it to me in a check, I don't want it to be put in my aunt's account. MINE to fucking control. I don't want to beg money off James. I don't want to ask for my money from my aunt - we just went shopping, though I'm already running out of groceries... I want cloves. And dxm. Which I probably won't get.
I hope it's spent SORT OF wisely.
I miss Melange. Very much.
My aunt convinced my landlord to fix our little mini-window in our door, and then he came over yesterday, and James talked him OUT of it. I guess he didn't remember? But we had company about to arrive anyway, and definitely didn't want the company to cross paths with him.
Guess I'm off to class. I hope I get home soon. Or maybe I don't. His phone is off, so it can't be predicted. And unfortunately, it's like I've developed this SUPERANXIETY (like many people I know) where I don't want to be in situations I can't control... and I don't want to be around people I don't know, and I don't want to be away from home too long...
One (is the loneliest number) has been a repeated theme in my dreams, lately.